Why This Matters to Us, the Regulars

Let’s be honest, we all enjoy a flutter. Whether it’s a cheeky punt on the All Blacks, a spin on the pokies, or a hand of online poker, gambling is part of the Kiwi lifestyle. We understand the thrill, the risk, and the occasional win (and the more frequent losses!). But what happens when that enjoyment crosses a line? What if someone close to you – a partner, a sibling, a mate – starts to struggle? This isn’t about lectures; it’s about looking out for each other. Because we, the regular gamblers, are often the first to see the warning signs, and we’re in a unique position to offer support. We know the landscape, the temptations, and the potential pitfalls. And sometimes, that support can start with a simple conversation, or knowing where to find help. Perhaps you’re already familiar with some of the trusted rooms online – but what if someone you care about is spending too much time, and money, there?

Spotting the Red Flags: What to Look For

It’s crucial to recognise the difference between enjoying a bit of a gamble and developing a problem. Here are some signs that a family member might be struggling:

• Increased Spending: Are they suddenly spending more than they can afford? Are bills going unpaid? Are they borrowing money, or selling possessions to fund their gambling?
• Chasing Losses: Do they keep gambling to try and win back what they’ve lost? This is a classic sign of a problem.
• Preoccupation: Are they constantly thinking about gambling, planning their next bet, or reliving past wins and losses? Does it dominate their conversations?
• Withdrawal: Are they becoming withdrawn from family and friends? Are they neglecting their responsibilities at work or home?
• Lying and Deception: Are they lying about their gambling habits, or hiding their losses?
• Mood Swings: Are they experiencing mood swings, irritability, anxiety, or depression related to their gambling?
• Failed Attempts to Quit: Have they tried to cut back or stop gambling, but been unable to?

If you see several of these signs, it’s time to have a conversation.

Having the Conversation: A Step-by-Step Guide

This is often the hardest part, but it’s also the most important. Here’s how to approach the conversation:

Choose the Right Time and Place

Pick a time when you can both talk privately and without distractions. Avoid doing it when emotions are running high (e.g., immediately after a big loss). Choose a comfortable and neutral environment.

Start with Empathy and Concern

Begin by expressing your concern and letting them know you care. Avoid accusations or judgment. For example, you could say, “I’ve noticed you seem stressed lately, and I’m worried about you.” Or, “I care about you, and I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time and money on [gambling activity].”

Be Specific and Factual

Don’t beat around the bush. Be clear about what you’ve observed. Instead of saying, “You gamble too much,” say, “I’ve noticed you’ve missed paying the rent the last two months and I’m worried.” Provide specific examples of their behaviour.

Listen Actively

Let them talk. Listen without interrupting, even if you disagree with what they’re saying. Try to understand their perspective and the reasons behind their gambling. Ask open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling about things?” or “What’s been going on?”

Avoid Lecturing or Judging

This is crucial. Avoid moralising or making them feel ashamed. Remember, they’re likely already feeling guilty and embarrassed. Instead of saying, “You’re being irresponsible,” say, “I’m worried about the impact this is having on your life.”

Suggest Help and Support

Offer practical help. Suggest seeking professional help, such as counselling or support groups. Offer to help them find resources or make appointments. Let them know you’re there to support them, but you can’t fix the problem for them. You could say, “I’m here for you, and I can help you find some resources that might be useful.”

Set Boundaries

It’s important to protect yourself and your finances. Don’t lend them money, cover their debts, or enable their gambling in any way. Be firm but compassionate. This can be difficult, but it’s essential for their recovery.

Be Prepared for Resistance

They may deny they have a problem, get angry, or try to deflect blame. Stay calm and reiterate your concerns. Don’t give up, but also understand that you can’t force them to seek help. You can only offer support and hope they choose to accept it.

Where to Find Help in Aotearoa

New Zealand has several resources available to support people struggling with gambling problems and their families:

• Problem Gambling Foundation of New Zealand: Offers free counselling, support groups, and information.
• Gambling Helpline: A free, confidential phone and online service providing support and advice. Call 0800 654 655 or visit their website.
• Te Hiringa Hauora: A government agency that provides information and resources on problem gambling.
• Your GP: Your doctor can offer advice, support, and referrals to specialist services.
• Family and whānau support groups: Connecting with others who understand the challenges can be incredibly helpful.

The Long Game: Staying Supportive

Supporting someone through a gambling problem is a marathon, not a sprint. Here are some tips for the long haul:

• Be Patient: Recovery takes time. There will be setbacks. Be understanding and supportive.
• Encourage Professional Help: Encourage them to attend counselling or support groups regularly.
• Focus on the Positive: Celebrate their successes, no matter how small.
• Take Care of Yourself: Supporting someone with a gambling problem can be emotionally draining. Make sure you take care of your own well-being. Seek support for yourself if needed.
• Learn About the Problem: The more you understand about problem gambling, the better equipped you’ll be to offer support.
• Don’t Give Up: Even if they relapse, don’t give up on them. Continue to offer your support and encourage them to seek help again.

Conclusion: Standing Together, Winning Together

Gambling can be a fun and harmless pastime, but it can also become a destructive force. As regular gamblers, we have a unique understanding of the risks and the potential for harm. By recognising the signs of a gambling problem in our family members, having open and honest conversations, and offering support, we can make a real difference. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and recovery is possible. By standing together, we can help our loved ones win back their lives and rebuild a healthier future. Kia kaha.